Approval

Here's the thing about approval... we're all running around trying to get it from everyone except the one person who actually matters. You. Know what I mean?

I've been doing this work for three decades, and honestly? The people who struggle most aren't the ones who never get approval. They're the ones who got just enough of it, just inconsistently enough, that they're still chasing that hit like it's some kind of spiritual drug.

Look, I get it. We're wired for connection. Back when we lived in tribes, getting kicked out meant death. So your nervous system is literally designed to scan for signs of acceptance or rejection. But here's what's wild... that survival mechanism is now running your entire sense of self-worth. Think about that.

In Advaita Vedanta, there's this beautiful understanding that you are already whole. Not becoming whole, not working toward wholeness. Already there. The Sanskrit term is 'purnam' - complete, full, lacking nothing. But your mind keeps telling you stories about what you need to be or do or achieve to finally be enough. Seriously. It's like being a millionaire but constantly checking your bank account because you forgot you have money.

The Taoists have this concept called 'pu' - the uncarved block. It represents your original nature before society started telling you who you should be. Before you learned that love comes with conditions. Before you started performing instead of just being. Right?

Truth is, every time you twist yourself into someone else's idea of acceptable, you're literally abandoning yourself. You're saying, "My authentic self isn't good enough, so I'll create this other version that might get me the love I think I need." But here's the kicker... even when that performance works, it's not really you getting the approval. It's your mask. And deep down, you know it.

I remember this client who spent forty years being the perfect daughter, wife, mother. Never said no, never expressed a want that might inconvenience anyone. She came to me completely exhausted, asking why she felt so empty when everyone loved her so much. Honestly, it broke my heart. She'd been so busy being who everyone else needed that she'd completely lost track of who she actually was.

Here's what I told her, and what I'm telling you: Your worth isn't up for debate. It's not something you earn or lose based on how well you perform or how much others approve of your choices. It just is. Like gravity. Like the fact that water flows downhill. Are you with me?

But releasing the need for approval doesn't mean becoming a selfish jerk who never considers others. That's just the ego swinging to the opposite extreme. Real freedom from approval-seeking comes from such a deep knowing of your own worth that you can love and give and care without needing anything back. You can receive criticism without crumbling and praise without getting addicted to it.

When you stop outsourcing your self-worth, something magical happens. People actually start respecting you more. Not because you're trying to get their approval, but because there's something magnetic about someone who knows their own value. They're not needy. They're not performing. They're just... present. Authentic. Real.

Look, this isn't about becoming indifferent to what others think. It's about distinguishing between consideration and desperation. Between caring and people-pleasing. Between love and emotional manipulation. Big difference.

The path forward? Start small. Notice when you're about to say yes but you mean no. Catch yourself mid-performance and ask, "Who am I trying to please right here?" Practice disappointing people in tiny ways and notice... the world doesn't end. Most of the time, they don't even care as much as you thought they would.

Start your day by looking in the mirror and saying, "I approve of you." Not because you've done anything special, but just because you exist. This isn't about positive thinking... it's about remembering what was always true.

Throughout the day, practice the pause. Before you respond to requests or invitations, take three breaths and check in: What do I actually want here? Am I saying yes from love or from fear of disappointing someone? There's no judgment either way, but awareness is everything.

Try this experiment for one week: Make one choice each day based purely on what feels right to you, regardless of what others might think. Order the food you actually want. Wear the clothes that make you feel good. Say no to the invitation that drains you. Start small, but start somewhere.

When you notice yourself seeking approval, pause and ask: "What am I afraid will happen if this person doesn't approve of me?" Usually, the fear is way bigger than the reality. Most people are too busy worrying about their own stuff to judge you as harshly as you think they are.

Practice receiving both criticism and praise with the same inner stability. When someone compliments you, resist the urge to deflect. When someone criticizes you, resist the urge to defend. Just breathe and remember: their opinion, positive or negative, doesn't define your worth. You do.

When this card shows up, it's time for some real talk about whose opinion really matters. You've been giving your power away, letting other people's approval (or lack of it) determine how you feel about yourself. But here's the truth: you're seeking something outside that can only be found within.

This card is asking you to examine where you're still performing instead of just being. Where are you saying yes when you mean no? Where are you hiding parts of yourself because you think they're not acceptable? The universe is calling you back home to your authentic self.

If you're feeling exhausted, it might be because you're carrying the weight of everyone else's expectations. That's not yours to carry. Your job isn't to make everyone happy... it's to be genuinely, courageously yourself.

This is also a sign that you're ready to graduate from people-pleasing to people-loving. There's a huge difference. One comes from fear and neediness, the other from abundance and choice. You're being invited to love from fullness, not emptiness.

Trust that as you stop seeking approval, you'll actually attract more genuine connections. People who appreciate the real you, not the performance version. That's when relationships become nourishing instead of draining.