Wokey Woke Wokipants – The Most Woke Woki-Lama In The Universe
In the heart of Portland, a city where kombucha flowed through streams, waterfalls, and faucets – and gluten-free vegan donuts were considered a delicacy of The Gods, lived Wokey Woke Wokipants, the self-proclaimed Most Woke Woki-Lama in the Woke Universe.
Wokey, as he was affectionately known by his legion of Instagram followers, was a walking, talking, breathing embodiment of progressive ideals. He had pronouns tattooed on his forehead, a “Defund the Police” bumper-sticker on his Tesla, and a man-dress made of reusable tote bags that could rival a small landfill.
Wokey’s life was a carefully curated performance of wokeness. He’d spend hours crafting the perfect Instagram posts, peppered with hashtags like #intersectionality, #decolonize, and #allyship. He’d engage in heated Twitter battles with anyone who dared to question his progressive orthodoxy. And he’d organize protests against everything from cultural appropriation to the use of plastic straws during conception.
But beneath the surface of his meticulously crafted woke persona, Wokey was a seething cauldron of hypocrisy and self-entitlement. He’d preach about the evils of capitalism while sipping $12 lattes at his favorite artisanal coffee shop, while masturbating with creme extracted from the loins of Indonesian love-slaves. He’d lecture others on their carbon footprint while jetting off to exotic destinations for Himalayan yoga retreats based in Jersey. And he’d virtue signal about the importance of diversity and inclusion while surrounding himself with a homogenous group of tan, toxic, like-minded clones.
One day, as Wokey was busy organizing a protest against the use of gendered language in children’s books, “they” received a DM from a mysterious account named “WokeBuster.” The message simply read, “Your wokeness is a sham. I know your secrets.”
Wokey was initially dismissive, assuming it was just another troll trying to get a rise out of him. But as more messages from WokeBuster poured in, revealing embarrassing details about his past and present, Wokey began to panic. It turned out that WokeBuster had been following Wokey’s every move, documenting his every hypocrisy and inconsistency.
In a desperate attempt to salvage his reputation, Wokey confronted WokeBuster in person. He arranged a clandestine meeting in a dimly lit alleyway, where he found himself face-to-face with a figure shrouded in darkness.
“Who are you?” Wokey stammered, his voice trembling.
“I am WokeBuster,” the figure replied, his voice dripping with contempt. “I am the scourge of the woke elite, the revealer of hypocrisy, the destroyer of carefully constructed facades.”
WokeBuster then proceeded to expose Wokey’s deepest, darkest secrets to the world. It turned out that Wokey had a secret collection of vintage fur coats, a hidden offshore bank account, a Chinese slave making his line of yoga pants, and a blender filled with Democrat baby skins.
Wokey’s carefully constructed woke empire crumbled overnight. His followers turned on him, his sponsors dropped him, and his reputation was irreparably tarnished. He was left with nothing but his tote-bag man-dress and a newfound appreciation for the importance of humility, self-reflection, acceptance, and ya know, keeping it real.
And so, The Most Woke Woki-Lama in the Woke Universe learned three valuable lessons:
1 – Most wokeness is without integrity and just a hollow performance based on projections of confusion, self-hatred, and intellectual separatism …
2 – It was time that he forgave his Uncle Jimmy for mistakenly brushing against his pee-pee at his Catholic Confirmation. And ….
3 – All wokeness is a sign that a mutherfucker is out of touch with reality – and has WAY too much free time.
And that’s why I created The Shankara Oracle – to help you release all that is untrue in your person, relationships, projections, and life. To help you finally see yourself, forgive yourself, and heal yourself for all time. AND to help you not be such a woke knucklehead or new-age twat. For all of us, it’s time to grow up, stop projecting our bullshit onto others – and look deeply at ourselves.
THIS IS HOW YOU HEAL THE PLANET: LOOK DEEPLY AT YOUR SELF. THERE IS NO “OTHER.”
BTW – Obsessing about pronouns and declaring he/she/they on every profile and document is just another form of false-virtue and new-age narcissism. Fuck your pronouns. How about you just be a really fucking awesome person and participate in healing the planet rather than preaching to it.
Stop blaming, stop projecting, and start being an embodiment of love and light.
Here are 10 things you can do TODAY to help the planet heal.
- Forgive yourself for everything you have done wrong and everything you have participated in that did you wrong.
- Forgive those who hurt you.
- Grow a garden, no matter how small – even one cucumber seed in a small bucket is a garden!
- Eat less meat today.
- While you’re at it – eat less food today – you don’t need more than 1 meal a day. Seriously, look it up.
- Help somebody in some small way. Give them something of core value to their hearts, minds, souls, or bodies.
- Meditate or sit silently to connect deeply within yourself.
- Relax so deeply that you find ancient tears. Cry often – it’s just like meditation, only better. Crying connects you to The Universe and The Divine.
- Smile at someone so brightly they have no choice to blush and fully TAKE IT INSIDE THEIR HEARTS!
- Create Blessing Bags using a regular-sized ziplock bag: Include a protein bar, a pair of socks, a piece of dark chocolate, and a bottle of water. You might even throw in a dollar or two. Keep these handy in your car to give to homeless people when they ask you for money. As you hand it to them, tell them you love them. They might not fully accept this in the moment, but they will feel it later – remembering, even for a brief second – someone connected with them in a heartfelt way.
Get The Shankara Oracle and dramatically improve your perspective, relationships, authentic Self, and life.
