Spiritual Candy Exchange: Why Dating Can Be Distracting, Dishonest, and Non-Productive

Dating can often feel like a whirlwind of sweet distractions. For some, it involves an addiction to their dating persona and the dating personas of the people they date. 

Truly, dating is like a candy store filled with enticing treats, from superficial conversations about hobbies and careers to carefully managed and regularly updated online profiles. While these initial exchanges can be fun, they can also lead to disaster and often leave us craving something more substantial – something real.

The challenge is that we are addicted to having playful, friendly dates rather than deep, stimulating conversations. Without the latter, we cannot know if someone has the correct level of virtue, depth, and love within their beliefs, attitudes, perspectives, and daily routines. 

The idea here is to refrain from sex for 90 days and date people who are willing to dive more deeply before becoming physically intimate. Let’s face it – sex is bondage, and once we have sex, we cannot see clearly around our projections and purer desires. If all we are looking for is sex, we will surely be disappointed in the long run.

Let’s dive deeply here and explore why dating can feel like an exchange of candy – distracting, dishonest, and ultimately unproductive, rather than a fulfilling, deeply exploratory, and satisfying experience.

We’ll also discuss the importance of asking deeper questions – and then even deeper questions to build meaningful connections and pave a pathway to our relationship success.

The Candy Store Effect

Imagine entering a candy store with shelves lined with colorful, tempting treats. These candies represent the initial stages of dating, where we present our most appealing selves. We carefully choose our best photos, highlight our achievements, and engage in polite small talk. It’s like handing out candy to one another – sweet, but not necessarily nourishing.

The Mask of False Representations

In the dating world, it’s common for people to wear masks, concealing their vulnerabilities, insecurities, imperfections, and pure selves. We project our idealized selves, our imagined personas, onto the stage, hoping to impress, attract, and enroll. 

This projection can create an atmosphere of dishonesty, where we fear revealing our true selves, complete with our scars and struggles.

The Shallow Exchange

On many dates, conversations remain superficial, revolving around safe topics like family, careers, and hobbies. These are the equivalent of candy wrappers – easily discarded, with little substance. While small talk can be a way to break the ice, it often fails to explore the deeper layers of human connection.

A Few Introductory Deep Questions

To move beyond the candy exchange and into more authentic, meaningful connections, it’s crucial to ask deeper questions. Questions like:

• How have you dealt with conflict in the past?
• How have you changed to become a better person over the last 5 years?
• What do you believe about God – and The Universe and your place in it?
• How have you healed all of your past wounds?
• Do you allow yourself to cry enough to feel better? Or do you hold tightly to emotions?
• What practices do you have in place that uplift your life and help you heal and express yourself?
• In what ways are you still broken, and how do you reveal and address those vulnerabilities?
• How do you handle anger and adversity in your life?
• What are your core values? Do you ascribe to virtue?
• What are your life aspirations, within your career – what do you aspire to be as a human being?
• What are some ways in which you have learned to love yourself and love others?

These questions delve into the essence of a person, encouraging vulnerability and genuine sharing. They bypass the superficial and invite honesty, leading to more profound connections.

You might come up with a list of questions on your own. Feel free to make a list, be wild, even crass – get it all out there in the open so that you are revealing to each other the precise aspects you have long denied others to know.

The Stew of Disappointment and Rejection

When dating remains fixated on candy-like distractions and false representations, it often results in disappointment, rejection, and even depression. It’s like stirring a pot with only sugary ingredients; the stew lacks substance and nourishment, leaving us unsatisfied.

Dating doesn’t have to be a never-ending exchange of candy – sweet but ultimately unsatisfying. By encouraging deeper conversations and embracing vulnerability, we can move beyond the superficial and build authentic connections. 

Let’s strive for meaningful interactions that transcend the distractions, dishonesty, and non-productive aspects of modern dating. We can only create unions based on understanding, acceptance, and genuine connection.

Pretense And Concealment

Dating can indeed involve a degree of pretense and concealment. Still, it’s important to remember that not everyone engages in these behaviors to the same extent, and there are many genuine and authentic connections made during the dating process. 

Here are some common ways people may not fully reveal themselves while dating:

Selective Self-Presentation: People often highlight their best qualities and downplay their flaws when dating. This can include using flattering photos or exaggerating accomplishments.

Withholding Information: Some individuals may intentionally omit certain aspects of their lives or past experiences, especially if they fear judgment or rejection.

Masking Vulnerability: Many people hide their insecurities and vulnerabilities, putting on a brave face instead of sharing their fears and uncertainties.

Superficial Conversations: As you mentioned, initial dates often involve light, surface-level topics like hobbies and careers. People may avoid deeper discussions to avoid discomfort or vulnerability.

Avoiding Controversial Topics: Religion, politics, and personal beliefs can be divisive. Some people steer clear of these discussions to prevent conflict.

Projecting an Ideal Image: People may project an idealized version of themselves, believing it’s what their date wants to see. They also might be too afraid to reveal any vulnerabilities or their pure selves in fear of rejection – or simply because they cannot articulate their pure nature due to social conditioning.

Playing Hard to Get: Some engage in games or tactics to create mystery or make themselves appear more desirable. This is often how they approach other aspects of their lives as well. These types of people are never truly available for relationships.

Overcomplimenting: Offering excessive compliments or flattery to gain favor can be insincere. This is a misdirection to manipulate the other person in a false sense of security. 

Ghosting and Avoidance: Instead of communicating honestly about their feelings, some individuals simply disappear without explanation. This ghosting is a result of immaturity and the lack of awareness about their triggers and conflicting issues.

Fear of Rejection: The fear of being rejected can lead people to act inauthentically to please their date. Many fears like this can prevent someone from truly showing up and participating meaningfully in a mature conversation.

While these behaviors can create a facade, dating is a process of getting to know someone. As relationships progress, many individuals become more open and authentic, sharing their true selves and addressing deeper questions about beliefs, healing, and coping strategies. 

But waiting until after sex to have these conversations can be a mistake – because sex is binding amid a circus of confusing hormones, pleasure, and projection. To save yourself a train wreck and great suffering, honest and open communication at the start is the key.

If you’re looking for advice on improving the quality of your dating experiences or fostering deeper connections, it’s essential to focus on vulnerability, genuine communication, and mutual understanding. Asking deeper questions and being willing to share your own vulnerabilities can help create more authentic connections.

Deeper Questions

Dive deeply! Ask meaningful questions during dates to help you get to know someone on a deeper level and determine if you are compatible. 

Here are some additional questions, inspired by PaulWagner.com and other sources, that can help you explore compatibility and build a more profound connection:

What are your long-term goals and aspirations? This question can reveal whether your partner’s future plans align with yours and whether you have compatible visions for your lives.

What does a successful and fulfilling relationship look like to you? Understanding your date’s expectations for a healthy relationship can help you gauge compatibility regarding emotional and relational needs.

What are your core values and beliefs? Exploring values related to family, spirituality, ethics, and lifestyle can highlight areas of compatibility or potential differences.

How do you handle conflict and disagreements? Learning about your date’s conflict resolution style can help you assess whether you can effectively navigate challenges together.

What are your passions and hobbies outside of work? Discovering shared interests can strengthen your connection, while differences can add depth and diversity to your relationship.

What role do family and friends play in your life? Understanding the importance of relationships with loved ones can provide insights into your date’s social dynamics and priorities.

How do you handle stress and adversity? Exploring coping mechanisms and resilience can help you assess compatibility during tough times.

What have been your most significant life experiences and lessons learned? Sharing personal stories and life lessons can foster emotional intimacy and deeper understanding.

How do you envision supporting each other’s personal growth and development within a relationship? Discussing mutual support and personal growth can help you determine if you are aligned in nurturing each other’s potential.

What are your thoughts on commitment, monogamy, and the future of our relationship? – This question delves into your date’s views on commitment and exclusivity, which are essential aspects of long-term compatibility.

How do you express love and affection? – Understanding love languages can help you better meet each other’s emotional needs and communicate love effectively.

What are your financial values and priorities? – Exploring financial goals, spending habits, and attitudes toward money can help you determine compatibility in this crucial area.

How do you envision balancing personal space and togetherness in a relationship? – Discussing boundaries and the need for individuality versus shared experiences can highlight compatibility regarding personal space.

What are your thoughts on marriage and starting a family (if applicable)? – If your intentions include marriage or family, discussing these topics early on can prevent misunderstandings later.

The goal is to foster open and honest communication, allowing you to better understand your date’s values, beliefs, and compatibility with your own aspirations and desires. 

Diving A Little Deeper

Going deeply into profound questions before having sex with your date will save you lots of time, money, and emotions.

Let’s dive deeper into questions that can foster a meaningful exchange:

Do you have any quirky or unusual habits that you’re willing to share? Sharing idiosyncrasies can lead to laughter and a sense of authenticity.

Are there any childhood hobbies or interests that you’ve never outgrown? This question can bring up nostalgia and uncover shared interests from your youth.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received, and did you follow it? Sharing wisdom received from others can lead to meaningful conversations about personal growth.

Do you have any unusual or hidden talents that not many people know about? – This playful question can lead to demonstrations of unique skills or talents.

What’s your favorite way to relax and unwind after a long day? – This question delves into self-care routines and how your date finds comfort.

What’s your favorite childhood memory or a memorable moment from your past? And what are your least favorites? – Sharing cherished memories can foster a sense of nostalgia and emotional connection.

What is your most significant life challenge, and how did you overcome it? This question delves into resilience and personal growth.

Can you share a moment when you felt vulnerable, and how did you handle it? It encourages discussions about vulnerability and emotional experiences.

What do you believe is your purpose or mission in life? This question explores your date’s sense of purpose and values.

How do you handle failure or setbacks in your life? It reveals your date’s coping mechanisms and resilience.

Tell me about a book, movie, or piece of art that deeply impacted you and why. This question uncovers your date’s cultural influences and emotional connections.

If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be, and why? It highlights your date’s values and aspirations for a better world.

What are your beliefs or philosophies regarding love and relationships? This question invites discussions about their approach to romantic connections.

Describe a moment when you felt a strong sense of personal growth or transformation. It encourages reflections on personal development and change.

What is your relationship with self-care and self-love, and how do you practice it? This question explores your date’s self-awareness and self-care routines.

Share a life lesson you’ve learned from a difficult experience. It encourages storytelling and reveals wisdom gained from challenges.

How do you define happiness, and what brings you genuine joy in life? This question uncovers what truly makes your date happy and fulfilled.

If you could travel back in time to your younger self, what advice would you give? It reveals reflections on personal growth and learning from the past.

What role does empathy play in your life and relationships? It explores your date’s capacity for understanding and compassion.

Tell me about a person who has had a profound impact on your life and why. This question uncovers meaningful relationships and their influence.

How do you envision personal growth and self-improvement in your future? It encourages discussions about future aspirations and development.

These deeper questions can lead to more insightful and authentic conversations, helping you better understand your date’s values, beliefs, and experiences. 

Deeper Into The Emotional Journey

Delving into how people experience pain, heal, and move through it requires more profound and introspective questions. 

These inquiries can provide raw insights into a person’s emotional journey:

Can you share a moment when you felt utterly broken or in emotional turmoil? What was it like, and how did you cope? This question encourages your date to share their most challenging emotional experiences.

What strategies or practices have helped you navigate difficult times and find emotional healing? It invites a discussion on coping mechanisms, self-care, and personal growth.

Have you ever experienced a significant loss or grief? How did you process it, and what did you learn from the experience? This question explores their experiences with grief and the lessons they’ve gained.

Can you describe a time when you faced your deepest fears or insecurities? What was the outcome, and how did it affect you? It encourages your date to share their most vulnerable moments and personal growth.

What role does self-compassion play in your life, especially when dealing with pain or difficult emotions? This question highlights their capacity for self-compassion and self-care during challenging times.

Are there any specific practices, such as therapy, mindfulness, or journaling, that have been instrumental in your healing journey? It explores the therapeutic approaches and tools they use for self-improvement.

Can you share a story of forgiveness, either forgiving someone or being forgiven? How did forgiveness impact your life? It reveals their experiences with forgiveness and the emotional impact it had.

What role do relationships and connections with others play in your healing process? This question explores the importance of social support and emotional connections.

Tell me about a time when you experienced a profound moment of self-discovery or personal transformation. What led to it, and how did it change you? It encourages discussions about personal growth and self-awareness.

Have you ever had a significant shift in your belief system or values due to a life-changing experience? What were the circumstances, and how did it reshape your perspective? This question uncovers moments of personal transformation and evolving beliefs.

What practices or rituals do you have for processing and expressing your emotions in a healthy way? It explores their emotional expression and self-regulation strategies.

How do you navigate and find meaning in life’s challenges and adversities? This question uncovers their perspective on finding purpose and growth through difficulties.

Can you share a personal story highlighting your resilience and ability to bounce back from adversity? It encourages them to share stories of strength and determination.

These questions are designed to elicit raw and honest insights into a person’s emotional experiences, healing processes, and growth. 

Engaging in these conversations can lead to a deep connection and a better understanding of how your date handles and navigates pain and transformation in their life. 

Remember to reciprocate by fostering mutual vulnerability and connection.

Let’s go even deeper.

Deeply Into The Nature Of The Self And Reality

Exploring questions about the nature of the self, reality, and existence can lead to profound and philosophical conversations. These inquiries delve into a person’s deeper beliefs and perspectives on life. Here are some questions to encourage discussions on these topics:

How do you define the concept of the self, and how has your understanding of it evolved over time? This question invites your date to reflect on their self-awareness and personal growth.

What do you believe is the purpose or meaning of life, and how does that influence your choices and actions? It explores their philosophical outlook on life and its significance.

Do you believe in the existence of a higher power or spiritual force? If so, how does it shape your worldview and values? This question delves into their spirituality and belief system.

Have you ever had a mystical or transcendent experience that challenged your understanding of reality? What was it like, and how did it impact you? It encourages them to share experiences that may have shifted their perception of reality.

What is your perspective on the nature of consciousness and the mind-body connection? This question explores their beliefs about the relationship between the mind and the physical body.

How do you view the interconnectedness of all living beings and the universe as a whole? It encourages discussions on interconnectedness and a holistic worldview.

What is your stance on the concept of free will versus determinism? This question delves into their beliefs about personal agency and fate.

How do you reconcile the existence of suffering and adversity in the world with your beliefs about a higher purpose or meaning? It explores their perspective on the existence of suffering and its significance.

What role does mindfulness or meditation play in your life, and how does it impact your perception of reality? This question uncovers their practices related to self-awareness and consciousness.

Have you ever explored philosophical or existential questions that led to a significant shift in your worldview? It encourages discussions about personal philosophical exploration and transformation.

Do you believe in the existence of an afterlife or reincarnation? If so, how does it influence how you live your life? This question explores their beliefs about life beyond our earthly existence.

What books, philosophers, or spiritual teachings have had the most profound influence on your understanding of the self and reality? It encourages them to share their intellectual and spiritual influences.

Having Sex Too Early

Engaging in sexual activity early in a dating relationship can potentially lead to a variety of problems and challenges. 

Here are some potential issues and tips on how to avoid them:

Lack of Emotional Connection: Having sex too early may hinder the development of a strong emotional connection. Physical intimacy can sometimes overshadow the need for emotional intimacy, making it difficult to build a solid foundation for the relationship.
Avoidance Tip: Spend time getting to know each other on a deeper level before rushing into physical intimacy. Focus on building trust, communication, and understanding.

Misaligned Expectations: If both partners have different expectations regarding the nature and future of the relationship, it can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Avoidance Tip: Have open and honest conversations about your expectations and boundaries early on in the relationship. Ensure both partners are on the same page regarding the direction of the relationship.

Risk of STIs and Pregnancy: Engaging in sexual activity without taking necessary precautions can lead to the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) or unintended pregnancies.
Avoidance Tip: Prioritize safe sex practices. Always use protection, such as condoms, and consider regular testing for STIs. Discuss birth control options if necessary.

Haste in Decision-Making: Rushing into a physical relationship can sometimes result in making decisions that you might later regret.
Avoidance Tip: Take your time and make informed decisions. Don’t feel pressured to move faster than you are comfortable with. Consent should always be enthusiastic and freely given.

Difficulty Assessing Compatibility: Physical attraction is just one aspect of compatibility. Engaging in sex early on may make it harder to objectively assess whether you are compatible in other areas.
Avoidance Tip: Spend time together engaging in activities that allow you to explore shared interests, values, and lifestyles. This can help you determine if you are compatible in various aspects of your lives.

Communication Challenges: Sometimes, engaging in sex early on can make it difficult to address relationship issues and concerns openly.
Avoidance Tip: Establish strong communication from the beginning. Encourage open and honest discussions about your feelings, concerns, and desires.

Feeling Used or Rejected: One partner may feel used if the other loses interest after sex, or rejected if sex doesn’t happen as expected.
Avoidance Tip: Maintain respect and empathy for each other’s feelings. Communicate your intentions clearly and be sensitive to your partner’s feelings.

The key to a healthy dating relationship is mutual consent, open communication, and a shared understanding of each other’s boundaries and expectations. 

Take the time to build a strong emotional connection and deeply explore the questions I’ve shared above before progressing to a sexual exchange with your date. 

 

Finally

All of these questions invite your date to share their philosophical and spiritual beliefs, and how they process life experiences. The deeper questions provide insight into their perspectives on their emotions, and the Self, reality, and existence. 

Engaging in these discussions can lead to deep and meaningful conversations about the fundamental aspects of human existence and purpose. 

Remember to approach these topics with openness and curiosity, as they can lead to diverse and thought-provoking viewpoints. Be curious and maintain a state of wonder, without judgment. Enjoy each other on the date – but strive to know more about yourself and the other person.

This type of exploration will help you determine if the people you are dating are worthy of a loving, pure, and spiritual partnership. And they will reveal to you where you still need to explore yourself so that you are also worthy of a beautiful, secure, and loving relationship.

While you don’t have to align on every viewpoint, knowing where each person’s compassion and empathy live and where they are limited is helpful. This will help you know how you need to grow, how they need to grow, and how you will grow together. 

Being transparent about these things can establish a beautiful and profound partnership of the ages.

If you want deep spiritual insight and guidance to help you in your dating life, schedule a session with me at PaulWagner.com.

You will love The Shankara Oracle as it will take you deeply within and connect you with your pure, divine Self.