We’ve all been there—stuck in a relationship with someone who drives us nuts or seeks to harm us. You don’t know how to set boundaries with this person. We can’t seem to fathom a life without them, even though they impede our happiness. It’s a serious problem in the world today.
With family constructs built upon foundations based on guilt and codependency, we all find it difficult to push back, draw the line, and break ties. But, haven’t you had enough? Aren’t you ready to reconstruct how to think about and enact these things? Do you want a change?
For those of us with big hearts and never-ending pools of energy, setting boundaries can be difficult. We might be in the midst of experiencing something deeply inspiring and truly wonderful, yet somehow we’ll allow an old flame, sibling, arch-nemesis, or our energy vampires to mess us up. It’s an old story: “Life was going along so well—until Ding-Dong came along and hurt me again!”
It doesn’t have to be this way. You can make it your personal growth goal to set boundaries and move towards a happier and more peaceful way to live.
What Does it Mean to Set Boundaries?
When you set boundaries, you’re defining what’s safe and acceptable for your life within a framework of your own values, goals and needs. Your boundaries might result in limiting your interactions with a specific person. In some cases, you might choose to remove someone from your life. Setting limits also helps you figure out how you’ll respond if someone crosses your boundaries.
Some people think of boundaries as something reserved for family and friends, but they can extend to colleagues, bosses, partners, and even strangers. Your boundaries can also shift as your needs change, but you get to decide. No one else gets to dictate your boundaries or whether or not they’re important enough to honor.
Why Are Boundaries Important in Life?
When you go through life with unhealthy or shaky boundaries, you can lose yourself in the process. Instead of nurturing yourself and your values, you end up in dysfunctional or codependent relationships. Do you have trouble saying no or quickly compromising your values? Or maybe you avoid connecting with others on a deeper level altogether out of fear of rejection?
You deserve better. Setting clear, firm boundaries offers the confidence and protection you need to keep from being used or manipulated by others. They also help foster healthier relationships—especially the one with yourself.
How To Set Boundaries With Confidence
If you’ve never set boundaries before, it’s important to approach the process with confidence. Here are some steps to help you work through the journey and deal with self-doubt or people who are resisting the changes you’re making in your life.
1) Make Notes About How You Feel Without This Person
When the other person is not around, write down how you feel now that you are separate from them. Your emotional guidance system can help you decide how you feel about this person and whether you want to keep the relationship. Continue to visualize and imagine other scenarios where they are not around and note how you feel.
2) Make a List of People Who Enable This Relationship to Continue
There are always people in our lives who will enable harmful and toxic relationships to continue. List the tangential people who seem invested in both you and the other person involved. Perhaps these are people you have tried to set boundaries with before but have not listened to. Write down their names and what you believe they continue to receive from you having this relationship.
3) Make a List of How Your Life Would Change
What would your life look like if this harmful person weren’t in your life any longer? What would change? What would you do differently in your daily life?
4) Consider the Types of People You Do Want In Your Life
Now that you have a better idea of what it would look like if you were free from this harmful person, who do you want in your life instead? Make a list of the types of people you would want to walk into your life. List their attributes and imagine what their personalities are like and how they might make you feel to be around them.
5) Write an Email, Letter, or Text to Set Boundaries with Someone
Write a clear list of your boundaries and what life will be like with these new boundaries with the person. Be firm and ask that they respect your request. If the person is dangerous, send a copy of the communication to your lawyer and best friend.
6) Set a Time Limit for Follow-Up Communication
It’s important not to drag out the process and entertain back-and-forth communication. Instead, send the communication and move on. If they have follow-up questions, that’s okay, but set a 24-hour time limit, then hold firm. Once the time limit expires, move on.
7) Contact the People Invested in the Relationship
Write and send emails, letters or texts to and tell the people invested in your relationship with the harmful person about the new boundaries you’ve set up. Ask them to either support you in this endeavor or remain detached and out of your way.
8) Remain Clear, Firm, and Positive
Stick to your plan. Release anyone from your life who is not supportive of this pursuit. They don’t deserve you and they might find other ways to trip you up in the future.
How To Say Goodbye To Someone (maybe forever)
It can be difficult to say goodbye to someone, especially if it could be forever. Here are some ways to stay firm and prioritize your needs.
Be very clear about how you feel about this person. Make sure that your decision to remove them from your life has come after a long series of events or over many years.
Forget whether or not they deserve one more chance. They probably don’t and it’s time to let go.
Notify the person. Write an email, letter, or text to this person outlining (as briefly as possible) why you need to move on without them. In your communication, share what you learned and what you still have not learned. If you can sincerely say “thank you” for something they gave you, do that with an open heart. Don’t gush; just state something positive. Send the communication and move on. If they have follow-up questions, that’s okay, but set a 72-hour time limit, then silence.
Notify the people whom you both know in common. Ask that they respect your decision. If you need to cite a few reasons, that’s okay. Just don’t vomit all over the page when communicating with these people. Keep it simple and move on.
Honor how you feel, release your emotions, and pray for everyone involved. It’s difficult to make drastic changes to the relationships in our lives and trigger self-growth. As we get older, we realize that having 20 friends can be exhausting, but having 1, 2, or 3 best friends can be energizing and freeing. The reason you set boundaries is to create an environment that is energizing for you and those around you. When someone fails to meet those, on to the next.
It’s all about freeing yourself so that you can attract and choose positive experiences that bring you clarity, joy, love, and happiness. You can do this. Be clear, honor your feelings, and move on. It’s time.
Start Your Journey Toward Setting Healthy Boundaries
Remember that setting boundaries is about protecting yourself and it is not about offending the other person. While the other person might want to feel offended, it is their illusion to relish or release. With some practice, you can learn to set healthy boundaries from the start to avoid harmful and toxic situations while nurturing positive relationships. If you need support to understand the dynamics in your life and learn to confidently set boundaries, you can book an intuitive reading session with me HERE.
